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Finding Alternatives to “No” = YES, It Works!
By Kitty | January 8, 2012
Yes, I say.
Yes, I say. I believe in saying yes to my students. Sometimes I say no, but I don’t say it lightly, and I try to give all my reasons. I believe that students have reasons behind their requests, and that it is important for me to learn about them in order to really teach effectively. Usually by the time I have to say no to a student’s request, I have built up a fair amount of trust with all my yesses.
She goes on to elaborate on all of the various questions from students and her simple answers of “yes”. It is a powerful chapter, and really reveals the power of yes. I think of it often, to this day, and apply it now to my parenting.
As a parent, I have been careful from day one to limit the use of the word “no” to only serious matters–getting close to the hot oven or wood stove, stepping into a street, etc. I have found that when I do say “no”, Maddie (usually) listens and stops what she’s doing immediately.
By avoiding “no”, it doesn’t mean I don’t draw limits or help Maddie learn right from wrong. Instead, I just phrase my guidance differently. A few examples: When she tries to get my attention by hitting me, I say, “Do you want my attention right now? Are you feeling frustrated? If you need me, you can just say, ‘Mommy, I need your attention!’”. If she throws a toy she shouldn’t be throwing, like a block or a truck, instead of saying the ubiquitous parenting phrase “No! Don’t do that!”, I say instead, “Blocks are not for throwing. We can throw a ball. Do you want to throw a ball?” I have found that it has worked wondrously for helping Maddie know what she should and should not do, while saving that powerful “No” for when we really need it.
A few days ago was a pinnacle of my momma proudness thus far, as well as a reinforcement that using alternatives to “no” and modeling alternative behavior really works. Maddie was playing well in independent play, shopping with her new shopping cart, talking to herself as she wheeled around the playroom and kitchen. I took the opportunity to begin writing an important email on the laptop at the kitchen table. Previously, when I’ve been on the computer and Maddie has wanted my attention, she has used a variety of attention-getting strategies: coming up to me with a book saying “book! book! read a book!” and sometimes pushing the book into me, pulling on my clothes, saying “mommy, mommy, mommy” repeatedly, coming over to me fussing or crying, etc. Usually, I’ll turn and tell her that if she really needs my attention, she can just say, “Mommy, I need your attention”.
On this particular day, when Maddie realized that I was on the computer and no longer playing along beside her, she came up to me calmly and said, “Mommy, I need your attention.” I was floored. Maddie is just barely 2 years old yet the statement was clear and calmly stated. I turned immediately, huge proud grin plastered across my face, and said, “Did you just say you need my attention?” She replied yes, and said, “Play with play dough”. I told her how proud I was of her and commended her for her calm use of words to get my attention. I then closed the computer and went immediately to play with her. Needless to say, that email didn’t get sent for another few hours and we had a grand old time rolling out snakes and pressing out cookies with our colorful clay.
So the next time your child wails a toy across the playroom or smacks you on the shoulder to get your attention, think twice about your reaction. A positive, guiding modeling of appropriate behavior instead of the instinctual response of “no!” may will go a long way!
Topics: Education, Mommyhood, Our Children | No Comments »